It's Not Forever
by Synnerxx
Summary: It all started with a small flame.


**Pairing: Jay/Spinner if you squint.**

**Warnings: Mild slash, mentions of suicide and depression, angst**

**Spoilers: Mild ones for S4-E19 "Moonlight Desires"**

**Prompt: Fire at story_lottery**

**Author's Notes: Angsty piece on my favorite episode. I like this one. :D Review, dolls.**

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Spinner flicked the lighter and it lit, casting eerie shadows over their faces. Jay felt the heat of the small flame caress the side of his cheek as he stared at Spinner's determined expression.

"You're not really going to light them on fire." It wasn't a question.

Spinner looked at him in surprise. "Oh, you're going to stop me?"

"I know. Shocking, isn't it?" Jay said, words dripping with sarcasm.

He wondered absently hoe the lighter hadn't burned Spinner's fingers by now, but the thought was quickly forgotten as Spinner headed toward the drenched yearbooks, holding the flame in front of him.

Jay jerked him back to face him, his hand coming up and slapping the lighter out of his hand. "I'm not going to jail just because you want revenge and feel like an arsonist tonight."

Spinner glared at him, breathing heavily, eyes flashing with rage and pain. The shove caught Jay off guard. The second one did too, and he brought them both down, one hand curled around the back of Spinner's neck. His back connected with the cold, hard tile and then Spinner landed on top of him, driving the rest of the air from his lungs. He felt Spinner struggle against him for a moment before going limp.

"Spin?" Jay asked after a few minutes of silence. There was a warm, wet trickling sensation running down his neck and he the sneaking suspicion that it was Spinner's tears.

"I'm sorry. I just....They hate me, Jay. And it's real hate." Spinner pushed himself up off of Jay. He walked back over to the yearbooks, wiping his eyes as he did. Jay pulled himself up and followed. He stayed silent, sensing Spinner's need for it and helped him clean up. After that was finished, they walked outside and settled on the steps.

"Everyone hates me. Jimmy won't even look at me. I knew they'd be pissed, I didn't think they'd hate me. I though that they would get over it, that they'd realize I am not Rick, that I didn't pull the trigger, but to them, I'm just as much to blame as Rick is. I did pull the trigger as far as they are concerned and they hate me for it." Spinner's voice had this flat, hurt tone to it that made Jay wince because it just wasn't the Spinner he knew and, for a moment, he was worried about Spinner falling into a spiralling depression.

Visions of Spinner laying on the ground with empty bottles of booze, and a bloodied razor blade gleaming wetly from beside the sliced wrists; empty pill bottle rolling around his slumped form. He shook his head visciously and nearly knocked his hat off. There was no way that Spinner would go to such extreme lenghts to deal with the pain. Still, Jay was going to start keeping a closer eye on the younger boy.

"I don't know what to tell you, man." Jay shrugged, "They're your friends, not mine."

"Were. They were my friends. Not anymore and maybe not ever." Spinner sighed, tears pricking his eyes again. Jay looked at him, wishing he could help, if only to make Spinner a little less depressed. A depressed Spin was quickly turning out to be no fun and also slightly crazy, plus a pyromaniac.

"Let's go. There's nothing else to do." Spinner slid off the steps and headed for Jay's car. Jay caught up with him and unlocked the doors. Silence reigned again as they drove back to Jay's place.

"You want to stay the night?" Jay offered.

"Why not?" Spinner got out of the car, slamming the door. Jay stared at him for a second through the windshield before following suit.

Spinner slouched on the couch, gaze fixed on the coffee table that was littered with empty beer cans and cigarette butts. Jay dropped down next to him, reaching for the remote. The TV clicked to life and broke the oppressive silence between them. Jay didn't know what was on and didn't care. He just needed the noise. Spinner was too quiet for his liking and it felt wrong somehow. Tonight was just not their night, it seemed.

"Thanks." Spinner said suddenly.

Jay looked over at him. "For what?"

"For going with me. For not letting me burn down the school. For not hating me." Spinner said, glancing at him.

"I couldn't hate you without hating myself. I'm not into slef loathing, sorry." Jay smirked.

"Hmm, but still, thank you." Spinner said, looking sincere.

"Yeah, man. You're welcome." Jay shifted, slightly uncomfortable with the sudden turn of the conversation.

Spinner looked at the TV for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. "You do know that we're watching 'Brokeback Mountain, don't you?"

"Huh?" Jay looked back at the TV, dissolving into giggles himself.

Spinner flipped the channel, settling on some trashy talk show. "Better."

"'My mom is sleeping with my girlfriend?'" Jay read the topic of the show, still laughing.

"Nice." Spinner snorted.

The rest of the night was spent watching the talk show and mocking the people on there mercilessly. At some point, one of them had fetched beers from the fridge and they started up a drinking game to go along with the show. Laughing and drinking their way through show after show, they returned to normal. That tense, unhappiness that Jay had noticed around Spinner slowly slipped away.

It wasn't going to last forever, Jay knew in his heart, but for right now it was gone, and Spinner was acting like the old Spinner and Jay felt better. The guilt and pain was washed from his face and he was smiling again.

It might have not been for forever, it might have been just for the night, but Jay hoped it would last. Spinner was not one of those people that should be unhappy. It just didn't suit him.

Tonight had been one of the greatest nights either one of them had had in a while.


End file.
